Dear Diary,

I'm a flailing mess.

Yesterday morning I was singing and dancing in my car. I was extremely elated because just the morning before my (long-distance) boyfriend surprised me, announcing he was road-tripping and would actually be stopping in town to see me for an evening. So, I'm on my way to work, singing in my car, dancing, super happy, expecting him to be into town around 2:30 PM. I get a call from none other than my lover, and answer with a happy go lucky "Hey bae!"

Little did I know I was on a roller coaster, at the highest peak, and now I was dropping and my stomach was hitting my chin. "I'm not going to make it today, and I think we should break up." I was in shock. I stare blankly ahead, still driving on the highway in the rain, and repeated back "... you're... not going to make it... and you... you think we should break up. Wow." "Yes." Again, in utter shock. Two minutes ago I was in love and with my friend turned lover, whom I trusted and I believed loved me to no end, whom I never imagined would do this to me. Nope. Psych. I said "Okay. Alright." He said "Okay." I hung up. I was on the verge of panic. What just happened?!

I get to work in full blown mini crisis. I've finally had time to comprehend what just happened to me and I needed to know why. I called him. Straight to voicemail. I called again, again the call goes directly to "The person you're calling has a voicemail box that has not been set up." No. Way. I send a text. This egotistic arse has read receipts turned on - but I'm not complaining, sometimes it makes life easier - except when it doesn't. Except when it drives you crazy. "Look I need you to call me" should say delivered, but instead, nothing. Not delivered. What? I'm blocked. He blocked me.

I feel like I've been punched in the pit of my stomach. Why would he do this to me? I didn't deserve this. I'd done nothing but try to be transparent with my feelings. I've been direct, assertive, compassionate, giving. I purposely did not want to play games with my friend's heart. The care I took with his heart was not reciprocated. I was betrayed. He loved me? Did he?

I went through my entire work day feeling like a crazy person. Confused, frustrated, sad, disappointed, angry, hurt, betrayed, you name it. At this point, I need closure. I can't deal with the cliff hanger - how poetic, a screen writer writing a cliff hanger into my life. Fucking ass hole. So I result to social media. I call him on Messanger. No answer. Call again. No Answer. I send him a message "I deserve better than this. I thought we were friends first and foremost. I can't believe you would treat me this way." FINALLY I get a response - "I'm in traffic. Call me later." So considerate. "How am I supposed to call you later when you've blocked my phone number?" "Oh! That's why you're using messanger. I thought I only blocked text for 24 hours." He's driving... and didn't want to receive a lengthy text. Oh. My. So help me, God. I sent "If you do not pull over and call me in the next 15 minutes I just don't know."

15 minutes later the phone buzzes. I sit wide-eyed, almost in disbelief. Hm, at least he has some decency left. Basically the phone call is a disaster, and I hang up the phone just as confused as before. The only clue I'm given is "there are a few things that I feel don't make us a great couple" "Say them! Say them! Say them!" I'm nearly shouting at this point. I'm so frustrated. He refuses because they're "mean, and wouldn't help anything." Wouldn't help? Imagine being completely blind-sided by someone who claims to "still love you." Yeah, that's right. He said it. We hang up.

Ladies and gentlemen. This is the second man to have left me despite their claim to love me. How can it be so easy to leave someone you love?

I get in the shower and cry my eyes out. Contemplate. I get out of the shower to compose a text - something like "Fuck you for not having the balls to tell me the truth. And fuck you for thinking I'm too fragile to handle it."

Literally as I take the phone in my hands it comes alive, his name on the screen. "Hello?" "Hi. I thought about and put myself in your shoes. You're right, it would be terrible not knowing why. I'm sorry." I almost had to put the words in his mouth but it comes down to us "being in different places in out lives." The mean version? "When you text me last night 'What am I doing with my life? You know, I answered those questions a long time ago, like when I was 12. I'm not having those problems." Woah, yeah truth hurts. He's completely right - but he's running away from me, he's scared and selfish, and doesn't want to pick up my pieces. Fine.

"Yeah, I answered those questions a long time ago, too. But then my mom died" Sob. "And I miss her." Another sob. "... I know. You just need someone with a passion to be with you. That's just who you are. It's okay."

Ugh FUCK YOU for thinking you know what I'm going through. This is a life changing event and I have no idea of who I am anymore. I really thought he would be able to ride this wave with me. I thought he would be willing to stick by my side while I wade through myself, finding my way back to who I was. This man knew who I used to be, he knew the confidence I held in myself, and my self-guiding light. I suppose I'd hoped he could help me see that in myself again. I was wrong.

This man and I have been friends since we were 15 years old. I took his virginity in high school, but we always remained more friends than anything. At the time (ironically) I'd thought he was a bit immature for me. But I've always had the unnerving, craving, all knowing gut feeling about this man. Even when with my first love I would think about a possible future with him. There was something about him that told me we were going to be together at some point, and it felt good, even though I had no idea why or when or how. Just one of those things you know.

Cut to 6 years out of high school - I finally have a good job, he's graduated from film school and pursuing his dreams. He comes into town for a special event, and we get together. He spent the night with me. We found ourselves enveloped in ecstasy. The energy was hot and electric, and it was finally time. We'd decided we wanted to try it.  "We're not forcing this right? This is right? You feel it too?" He told me that he undoubtedly felt strong feelings. He told me things. He looked at me with an expression I can't describe. I can only feel it burned in my memory. A love not strong enough. I feel so betrayed. Why are you leaving me... if you love me?

Kisses, Mel